When to stop talking first
When a conflict arises, you may feel like you have to come to a conclusion right away, but when your emotions are heightened, it becomes difficult to hear what the other person is saying clearly. If your voice gets louder or you're repeating the same argument, pausing can be more helpful than giving up on the conversation.
However, if you leave without saying anything, the other person may assume that the conversation is over. Let them know why you are taking a break and when you will talk again, such as “I am having a hard time listening calmly right now. Let’s talk again in an hour.” If your safety is at risk, it is important to find a safe place and reliable help first rather than continuing the conversation.
Explaining the Situation and Impact
When resuming a conversation, rather than making judgments like “You always do that,” check each specific situation you remember. By talking about the behavior you observed, how it affected you at the time, and what you need to do next, you can reduce the likelihood that the other person will react defensively.
For example, you could say, “I found out right before departure that the appointment time had changed. I was confused because the schedule became uncertain, and I hope that next time there is a possibility of a change, you would let me know in advance.” This is not a sentence that forces the correct answer, but a way of conveying your experience and request.
If the other person remembers differently, don't jump to conclusions about who is lying, but check what each person saw and heard. The intentions and results may have been different. Explaining your intentions doesn't erase the impact on the other person, so you need to address both.
Creating a Restorative Agreement
If you need to apologize, rather than making your apology conditional on the other person's feelings (“I'm sorry if I hurt your feelings”), acknowledge what you did and its impact, and be specific about what you want to change next time. The person receiving an apology does not have to feel better right away. They can be honest about whether they are ready to accept it and whether they need anything else.
At the end, decide on small, identifiable actions to take the next time something similar happens. For example, you can agree to message each other first when your schedule changes and to set a time to talk again when you stop talking. A quick look back a few days later to see if it actually helped you will help you see if your promise is actionable.
The way to recover from conflict varies from person to person and is not determined solely by MBTI type. Rather than describing the other person by type, a more accurate starting point is to ask them directly what words and actions would be helpful.